Aug 26, 2004

Usher Rant

I can't stand Usher. If you don't know who this singer is then what I'm about to tell you won't mean a damn thing, but trust me...it's funny.

MTV is always and forever playing his videos in the morning. When I see his video come on for that most annoying song, "Yeah" with all the flashy strobe lights...well, I can't change the channel fast enough.

So Spencer was walking by one morning and said about Usher: He reminds me of Michael Jackson dancing in a phone booth.

He's so right. And people make fun of me for loving Justin Timberlake!

Stinky Candy Delights Me

Spencer and I were doing a little shopping at our local Target. As we were in the checkout line, he mentioned in an off-handed sort of way, "Oh look, liquorice Altoids." I didn't pay any attention because he's always making up funny stuff to tease me when we're out and about. For example, we could be in the Domestics section of a store and he'd tell me they had a Marky Mark beach towel because he knows I'd FREAK OUT!

But he said it again so I looked to where he was pointing and nearly lost my hand lunging over the moving conveyor belt to get my hands on the tins. Good thing I wasn't wearing any bracelets. He really was serious. OH MY GOD. (OK, let me type that again.) OH MY GOOD GOD! I was so excited. I love liquorice! Anyone that knows me could answer that question instantly if asked what is my favorite candy. You'd get 50 bonus points and everything. Honestly.

So I bought a few tins. Just a few. But at $1.79 it was worth it. I mean, you could smell the quality and know that these were not going to disappoint because the fragrance just permeated from the shrink wrap. That's just how 'curiously strong' the smell was.

I had to keep it under control as we were packing our bags into the trunk and heading home. I wanted to just rip into the tin and try one. But I practiced self control and didn't do it until I got home. But once I put one of those snowy little tabs on my tongue...talk about orgasmic! My eyes rolled into the back of my head and I hummed "Mmmmmmmmmm" I wafted the nasty smell for about an hour later, but who cares? I was in the privacy of my own home and Spencer is used to my craziness by now. I love these Altoids!!

So you've got to try them and let me know what you think. Promise?

Aug 11, 2004

Ironic Poo

Spencer was walking Minnie today when he noticed she was acting funny. She just stopped walking and was sitting on the ground looking odd. So he tugs at her chain a little bit to get her to start moving and as she started walking forward, she took one of her back hind legs and stretched it out underneath her so that it was sticking up in the air. Guess what? Poor little Minnie stepped in dog poo and had it on her back paws. Ewwwww....

When he told me about it tonight, I really started to laugh. Just the thought of how dogs thoughtlessly shit all over the place only to have someone step in it later on is kinda funny to me. We're responsible pet owners and always pick up after our dog ( see Blog entry 'Watch Out Thomas Edison" from June 2nd ), but I still find it deplorable that people let their dogs roam the neighborhood freely pooping away on streets, sidewalks or anywhere there's a good scent.

unfortunately for my dog Minnie, she stepped in it. Pretty funny, huh?

Aug 10, 2004

Sit and Stare

I just came back inside from walking Minnie. But before I came inside to put away the groceries, I sat out on my front steps with her. Nothing special about my porch-granite steps leading up to the front door. I was just sitting on my top stair relaxing alongside the evening breeze. I was thinking that I don't do this often enough-this sitting and staring.

I listened to the crickets and the anonymous frogs making their night sounds and I started counting to 100 looking at the leaves on the tree in my front yard. I had to pace my counting because I thought that as soon as I reached 100 then it was time to step inside. I guess that just shows how uncomfortable I am sitting still with nothing happening.

I watched Minnie shift around beside me looking to me as if to say, "Well, what next?" It was interesting to watch her ears perk up at the littlest sound in the night air. At one point someone whistled off in the distance and we both heard it together. I kept waiting to hear the sound of Spencer's car in the distance because he was out on an errand with his sister and wanted to surprise him by seeing us waiting for him on the porch. But see? That's just me trying to come up with a purpose for just sitting still.

Slowly I counted to 100 and went inside to start putting the groceries away.

Aug 3, 2004

Batman!

Spencer told me tonight that there was a bat in our kitchen. I was watching a movie high on Nyquil so it took me a few beats to completely grasp that we had a live bat in our kitchen.

I crept quietly into the kitchen and the bat was hanging upside down near our Tiffany lamp apparently sleeping. (Spencer later said he first thought it was one of my toy's hanging up there)

I phoned the Worcester Police, but they couldn't help me because they said an officer was already on a bat call across town on Salisbury Street. Great. So now what am I supposed to do? He suggested I call Animal Control.

Animal Control at least answered their phone, but happily told me that I was out of luck because they didn't provide emergency response service in the evening which leads me to wonder if all animal emergencies happen during the daytime? They were useless and essentially told me to keep the doors open in house so that perhaps the bat would fly out. But my bat is sleeping!

I opened the Yellow Pages and turned to the 'Pest' headings. I called the first four companies with the largest ads and all of them had answering machines. The fourth call was to a guy with an Auburn telephone number with a company name of Critter Control. Wayne answered his phone and I explained my dilemma.

He said, "Are you alone?" I'm thinking why does he need to know that? Have I somehow managed to contact a professional pervert? "No," I reply. "My husbands home with me and our dog." (Why I mentioned the dog was beyond me, but remember--I had great doses of Niquil in my system) "So why doesn't he take care of the bat?" asks Wayne of Critter Control. "I don't want my husband to get bitten by the bat." "Oh, so it's ok if 'ole Wayne gets bit then?" he laughs.

Without missing a beat, "Look Wayne, I'm paying you good money to come out to my house tonight to get this bat out of my kitchen so I guess that's the risk you gotta take."

Wayne shows up a half hour later in the batmobile. Seriously. His white pick-up truck had a bug guard with the saying, "Batman" stenciled across it. He walked in with a pair of leather gloves that our nations American Eagle could land on, an empty bottle of Gatorade and a big flashlight.

It took Wayne all of 5 seconds to pick the bat off the wall and deftly deposit the squeaking rodent into the empty bottle. Cost of service? Now get ready because this blows my mind.

$135.00

I was so freaked out by the whole experience that I wrote him the check for $1, 350.00. "Wow, that's some tip." jokes Wayne. Huh? I'm not tipping this guy for 5 seconds of bat wrangling. He hands the check back to me and it sinks in that I wrote the check out incorrectly. So my bat guy was honest, too. What a superhero.

Aside from not having a butterfly net and all this 20/20 hindsight, next time there's a bat in my house I'm taking my friend Deb's advice and putting a paperbag over it. At least that's the plan.