May 28, 2008

Size Always Counts

I’m ranting here on my blog because if I utter the words that I’m thinking at work right now then my reputation as the consistently happiest person in the office will be sullied.

Let me set the scene. Several people in my office share a access to a laser printer. I believe the official term to describe the situation would be network printing. The are two slots on the front of the printer: top to hold letter size and bottom to hold legal. (I don’t count the fancy features such as manual feeding and double-sided printing)

Why is it that every single time I go to print out a report for my supply plan meeting on Wednesday, I hear from a distance the most annoying sound in the world: Beep...Beep…Beep. It’s like a twisty stab through my heart that takes the life-force out of me. I liken the sound to fingernails dragging slowly down a sixth grade classroom’s chalkboard. It makes my left eye twitch and makes me want to rip my cuticles until they bleed.

This beep…beep…beep signifies that the wrong size paper has been loaded in tray number 2 and the oh so helpful laser printer is alerting me to an issue that needs my prompt attention. The sound implores me to “Hurry! Hurry! Come fix me now.”

As soon as I hear the sound after having selected the ‘print’ option, I find myself springing up from my office chair infused with Tigger-like bouncing capabilities and walk down the green mile of my work area to this very hateful laser printer.

Hate is a strong word, but sometimes I find my hating these anonymous co-workers. In particular, right now I am hating with a fierce passion the unknown person who changed the second tray from legal to 11x17 paper without switching it back to legal when they were done printing their report.

Believe me, I get it. I understand that sometimes big paper is needed to print lots of big numbers. Yes, Yes. Very important business going on here. But does it ever occur to this individual that 11x17 paper is not in hot demand on the printer? If I had to put a percentage down, it would be broken out as such: letter size 70%, Legal 25 % and 11x17 5%. See? The laser printer’s paper output is perfectly clear. NO ONE uses 11 x 17 paper so much so that it should remain in the lower tray.

If I could meet the person who had their 11x17 needs met and walked away from the printer without resetting the paper/tray configuration, I would ask them what they were thinking? Did it ever occur to them that when they need to change the tray to accommodate their specially-sized report that they always are removing the legal size paper tray. It must be there for a reason.

Thank you for reading this rant about my beloved communal laser printer. I feel immensely better having typed angry, gotten this poison out of my system and preserving my happy demeanor.

And if you enjoyed my little rant, feel free to print it out on your office printer. Just make sure you check the tray to see if 8-1/2 x 11 paper is loaded.

May 27, 2008

The best beatboxer in the world

This is creativity at its best! Biz Markie better watch out 'cause there's a new dawg in town.

May 26, 2008

4 minutes Concerto- Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake, Timbaland

Yes, I am truly that desperate to hear Justin Timberlake. This is pretty impressive though. I wonder what Timbaland would think of it? This actually reminds me of when Karen would put Wham! songs like 'Careless Whisper' to music so I could play it on the Alto Saxaphone back when we were in high school.

Also Suitable for Childish Adults

I came across this gadget recently and thought the disclaimer below on the Shiny Shiny blog was the best part of the product description:

"Also suitable for childish adults" - Umm, that would be me.

It's meant to be placed in your bathtub to gage the temperature of the bathwater to avoid scalding your infant. Maybe scalding is too suggestive of a feeling, but you get the idea.

Aside from protecting your loved one's fragile skin, it also works as a nice rubber bath toy. Forget those boring old rubber duckies (which is hard for me because I have far too many to count), this little blue care bear is the new rubber duck.

Why I Love Etsy

If I could go turn back the calendar to 1988 and relive my senior prom, I would want to have this Hello Kitty gown recently featured on the popular crafting site Etsy. The crafter Burpnbibs will make this gown for you for a mere four grand. It's beautiful.

I love Etsy because I find the most interesting things there. Etsy is the online marketplace for crafters who want to sell the stuff they make. I recently purchased a print called 'How Would You Eat Pez?' and I can't wait to get it framed and hang it in my office.

If you are someone who can make things that people might want to buy, I highly recommend setting up shop at Etsy. There are people out there like me who would pay $4k for a Hello Kitty gown.

Puppy Belly Alert!

IMG_0460, originally uploaded by michikoito_japan.

I just want to squish them and hold them and smell them and tickle them and love them and pet them and...

May 25, 2008

I Need Stimulation

Just in case you're wondering - we have not received our economic stimulus check in the mail yet.

I heard the government is sending the checks out based your social security number. I used to think that it was destiny that Spencer and I share the very same first five digits (xxx-xx) of our Social Security number and we grew up not 3.2 miles away from each other.

Now I'm pondering more important things like:

(1) Do I break down and finally buy the iTouch?
(2) Do I buy an extra-large yet extra slim television?
(3) Do I buy the 16 GB or 32 GB iTouch?

Sorry, I've got a one track mind lately. Just send the damn check, will ya?

May 24, 2008

Cereal Mascot Therapy Session

There's no shortage of sweetened cereals in my kitchen. I love starting my day with Lucky Charms! I am disappointed that Cocoa Puffs don't taste the same and I can't buy them anymore, but there's always Fruity Pebbles and Cookie Crisp.

This is a funny video. I especially love Toucan Sam showing up to snort cocaine.


May 19, 2008

i'm Hatin' it

Talk about product placement! I was flipping through a Lane Bryant catalog from today's mail when a little card slid out between the pages and fell to the bathroom floor. (Yes, I do most of my mail reading on the toilet)

I immediately think of my friend Karen whenever these little subscription cards fall out of any magazine I'm reading because she SO hates the loose cards. I have fond memories from high school of her sitting in her living room on the couch tearing out all the perforated ads in the TV Guide before she could comfortably settle down to read the weekly recap for Santa Barbara (one of her favorite Soaps) or get a sneak peak about the featured performer on Solid Gold.

Over time I've developed a similar distaste for all those extra cards because they almost inevitably fall to the floor and I have to stoop down to collect them to throw away. It wouldn't be so bad except the card stock of these printed advertisements is so heavy that as they fall they gain momentum and can very easily fly across the bathroom floor and slip underneath the closet door or get wedged in other weird places like behind the toilet bowl.

Since the mid-80's marketers have somehow figured out how to artfully insert these post-card size advertisements between the pages without having to actually attach the advertisements to the seam of the magazine. Often I find they just sit nestled between random pages and a simple shake of the magazine over the waste paper basket usually gets them all out in a speedy fashion.

However my Lane Bryant catalog had a bi-folded advertisement that fell to the floor today and I couldn't believe my eyes when I bent down to pick it up. The advertisement was actually a McDonald's coupon for a Free Southern Style Chicken Sandwich! In a Lane Bryant catalog. A clothing catalog for Plus Size Women.

This bears repeating. Lane Bryant Plus Size Clothing Catalog + Free McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. And it gets better! Not only was it a coupon for a free sandwich, but remember I said it was a bi-folded advertisement. The other fold was another coupon for a free Southern Style Chicken Biscuit sandwich! Not one, but two free calorie-laden delights.

Way to go McDonald's! Excellent product placement with Lane Bryant. What's next? A coupon on the back of my Fashion Bug receipt for a free Quarter Pounder with Cheese with every purchase of size 10 cotton briefs?

Lots of people seem to be bothered by Google having ads targeted to a user's browsing habits when using their search engine. This guerrilla-type marketing by McDonald's has become much more insidious because it's targeting plus size girls where it hurts - right in our big 'ole guts. If these coupons start getting redeemed then I shudder to think what will come next-a coupon for a free Big Mac with every OneTouch Glucose Meter purchase?

I have a message for Morgan Spurlock:

Morgan, forget about your hunt for Bin Laden. Greater tactical minds within our National Security have got the War on Terror covered. Plus Size women of America need you to refocus your efforts on bringing down the red-haired clown. Super Size Me wasn't enough. We need you to go after the minds in corporate brand strategy and direct marketing.

You have 30 Days.

May 15, 2008

Vacation - Day 4

Wednesday has come and gone. I've officially reached that point where I start counting down how many days are left of my vacation before returning to the office. I now have two days left of the workweek and time is slipping through my hands faster than I can rip open the cellophane packaging on my breakfast Pop-Tarts.

I was thinking that just about now is when I've finally hit my stride in vacation relaxation. It's taken me three whole work days to slough off the duties and responsibilities that come with being gainfully employed in a full-time job. Three days of not having to attend meetings, sign-on to SAP or have my lunch at 11:30am to avoid the crowd in the cafeteria. Three days free of tedious commuting and wearing dress pants with sensible shoes.

Instead, I've managed to make waffles from scratch three days in a row and lazily eat them while watching the final season of Felicity on DVD. I've been able to surf the 'net aimlessly for hours without feeling guilty that I should be doing something else and I've managed to give our lawn its first mow of the season. I've taken afternoon naps that would put kittens to shame and I've also managed to have Domino's pizza delivered to my house within 30 minutes of placing an order only to discover that answering the door in pink polka-dotted pajamas with mussed up hair is probably not the best way to greet the impressionable delivery guy.

But the thing that is most difficult to comes to terms with is all the stuff I thought I'd be doing on this vacation that didn't even come close to happening. Why is it that my best vacation ideas come to me while driving to work and those very same ideas become small and unattainable by the time I'm on vacation? I didn't make it to Maine to visit the Whoopie Pie shop. I didn't go up to Burlington, Vermont for an overnight stay and we didn't take Minnie on that amazing walk in Rutland State Park.

I think there are two types of vacations. The first type of vacation is purposeful and motivated. It's the sort of vacation the involves airplane tickets, luggage, digital cameras and someone being paid to make my bed with fresh linen and replace the only-once used soap in the shower with new bars of soap.

The second type of vacation is lazy and intimidating. It's the sort of vacation where you start off keeping track of the nine days (including weekends before/after the vacation) you have in front of you to do anything you want and you end up doing nothing of consequence. You use the time to get the car inspected, balance your checkbook properly and catch up on all the TV shows you saved on your DVR. If you're really ambitious, you just might read the whole issue of 'O' by week's end. Yet as each day passes, you feel that subtle tightening in your chest when you pass by your hanging wall calendar because you know deep down inside that the vacation is going to be over before you know it and there is nothing you can do to slow down time.

When I return to work on Monday, I'll be asked by my co-workers if I had a good vacation. I'll feel the need to share a glamorous adventure had in another state or tell them about something amazing I discovered that was within fifty miles of my home. It's beats the truth of my actual vacation. Somehow I don't think they would be so impressed with my week of vacation if I showed them my freshly-shaven and moisturized legs and told them how I had the best time driving through the Primrose car wash last Thursday.

I think I put way too much pressure on myself. If I don't watch out, I'll need another vacation.

May 14, 2008

Exhausting Vacation - Day 3

Exhausting weekend, originally uploaded by Petr Vlk.

I literally haven't stepped out of my pink and polka dotted pajamas yet and it's nearly time for Oprah!

I think there must be something wrong with me because it's gorgeous outside and I could have gone to any number of places today. To name just a few: Newport, RI (too cold), Wrentham Outlets (didn't feel like shopping), to see Iron Man at Showcase Cinema (would be disappointed if it turns out not to be as awesome as I expected) or Stay At Home and surf the net while sending massive amounts of emails to fellow co-workers because I miss them already and it's only Wednesday.

I am one sick (yet blissfully) lazy puppy.

Are You Having A Laugh?

Happy 50th Birthday Velcro

Yesterday marked the 50th birthday of Velcro and sadly, I wasn't among the many who showed up to stand in a parade route that stretched nearly a mile long to rip eight inch strips of Velcro in a Wave-like fashion commonly seen in ball parks across the nation.

Participants in the unison ripping of Velcro strips were primarily employees and former employees of Velcro USA of Manchester, NH. I don't know what's more amazing - that former employees actually showed up or that grown men and women stood in a line to rip pieces of Velcro.

Sadly, I'd be that employee who would show up at Bose during a celebratory shindig wearing Bose Quiet Comfort Headphones and carrying a Bose Portable Sound Dock. I think it's amazing and a true testament to people loving and respecting what they do (or did) and the employee's of Velcro USA did it up right by participating in this unique event to celebrate 50 years of Velcro.

To read more about Velcro and the 50th Birthday celebration, click here.

May 11, 2008

Mothers Day Card 2008

Mothers Day Card 2008, originally uploaded by tom.bastek.

Found this Mother's Day card on Flickr. Created by Tom Bastek for his wife Lisa. This is adorable and I wish I thought to make something like this up for Mother's Day.

May 4, 2008

GraphJam - Pop Culture for People in Cubicles

funny graphs
see more song memes

Five Foot Two...How Tall Are You?

There is this painted beige poll in the middle of the aisle that separates two rows of co-worker cubicles. Sometime last year each of us in the group stood up against the pole and made a discrete pencil mark on it that documented our height along with our initials. Dan was the tallest and Sharon was the shortest. I believe I came in second place as the shortest person working in the group.

Having come across this really interesting website called Who Tall Are You, I am now able to purchase a height chart to compare my height to famous people. For example, my stature probably would equate to Mary Lou Retton or hopefully 'Lil Kim Jones (get it? Little Kim?). The tallest celebrity on the chart is Peter the Great, but who knew that David Hasseloff is just a step below the great Michael Jordan? Dan, the tallest person in our group, probably would want to align himself to John Cleese since he has the sharp wit and can do a silly walk.

I think this concept of measuring your height against well-known people is sort of like reading the horoscope on the day of your birthday and being secretly delighted to share your birthday with someone famous. (Did you know that Julia Louis-Dreyfus and that cheeky Orlando Bloom celebrate their birthdays on the same day as me? How cool is that?)

You can also purchase other charts Classical, Yellow, Notorious, White and Age each depicting a different way of looking at your height. These charts are sold in the U.K. and can be seen in various exhibits, but you'll have to either buy one online or take a trip over the pond to get your very own.

My Pee Pee Bottle™

This is just so wrong on many levels or it's just so right - you be the judge.

This lady invented My Pee Pee Bottle for her daughter after she contracted Rotavirus using a public toilet.

From the Pee Pee Bottle website: February 2007, our then two-year old daughter, Sofia, contracted Rotavirus. Though she recovered within a couple of weeks, I was panicked. I became extremely fearful of all toilets and wanted to make sure Sofia had limited exposure to public restrooms. I was particularly mindful of continued good hygiene and simultaneously desired a simpler, cleaner, and more-efficient way for Sofia to use the potty when we were out.

I imagine using this bottle in place of sitting on a public toilet, but how long is the kid going to be able to use this? Eventually she is going to have to grow up and use the toilet like the rest of civilization. Imagine her at 35 years old using the Pee Pee Bottle-carrying it around in her Louis Vuitton handbag!

How is this any different than a guy pissing into a bottle and throwing it out the window of his car as he's blazing down a state highway at 80 miles an hour?

Hats off to this lady who took something that people do in aheightened state of urine emergency and making a buck off of it.

I wish I would have thought of it.

May 3, 2008

John Mayer-Get Over Yourself!

I can't even believe I'm blogging about this, but it's just so ridiculous that I can't help myself. John Mayer has decided to cut his hair.

Here's a snippet from his May 1st blog post:

It's something I've wanted to do for some time and I'm very excited to bring this amazing look into today's pop culture landscape. The feathered cut projects an attitude of ease and quiet confidence that seems to have all but eluded our generation.

Is he serious? I've read via several media outlets that John Mayer is a big fan of Justin Timberlake so that's probably the only reason he's on my entertainment radar, but to be so self-involved as to want to bring an 80's feathered hair style back is beyond belief. He looks terrible.

What happened to his curly locks? Why lose the one thing that resonates in him besides his boyish good-looks and bedroom voice? Why wear a leather Member's Only jacket to saunter around town in Foster Grant shades when he could be home in his studio strumming his guitar and getting laid by other good looking celebrities?

Only one person can bring SEXY BACK and I think we all know who that person is.

I Didn't Know

I think everyone in the world knows by now that Mariah Carey got married to Nick Cannon. Where the hell was I when all this major entertainment news was going down? Yea, I heard all about Beyonce and Hova getting hitched, but Nick 'Drumline' Cannon landing Mariah was something I didn't see coming.

Granted I've been a little behind on my emails, but I missed Mimi getting hitched? No wonder MTV was playing that stupid 'Touch My Body' video over and over again when I surfing the channels on Friday morning.
I take great pride in knowing all the good gossip when it comes to Entertainers. I know it's a grown woman's porn, but it's important for me to know release dates of favored performers be it a new book, TV, Movie or CD premiere.

I'm disappointed in myself and I can't let this happen again. So if you hear something major like who's John Mayer just broke up with or that Ashley Simpson really is preggers, will ya let me know? Thanks.

Bailey The Puggle

Minnie does the exact same thing. We ask, "Wanna go for a round" and her head will sometimes tilt in understanding. She also busts this move when she hears us in the kitchen. Wonder why?

May 5th = New Moon On Monday

In honor of the new moon which just so happens to fall on a Monday (GASP!), why not watch one of my favorite Duran Duran videos?

Lord of the Ring

I'm not one to delve into such personal matters as love, but having come across such a technological advancement in safe sex...I'd be remiss if I didn't write about the Trojan Vibrating Ring (new & improved-Hell Yea!) available for purchase here.

For a mere $20, you can buy a 3-pack of these vibrating rings. Each condom comes with a ring that can be slipped over the penis for instant sensational vibrations to be enjoyed by both partners. Strangely, the Extra Intense version retails for $18 for a 3-pack. Why the dip in price when you're practically doubling one's pleasure?

A plain old latex condom just isn't good enough these days where we live in a world of "New & Improved" everything and iPods have vibrator attachments courtesy of OhMiBod.

Apparently Trojan figured out that their customers deserve all the bells and whistles available when it comes to choosing their brand over Durex or Lifestyles, etc.

I'm just curious about a few things - how do they make the ring vibrate and for how long? After doing a little research, I discovered that the ring lasts for up to 20 minutes and vibrates courtesy of a tiny well-placed battery held within the soft rubber casing of the ring. So if you're a One Minute Man, don't worry - you've got plenty of time. The question remains: will your partner love you for your intimate performance enhancement or for spending the extra bucks to have the latest in condom couture?

I hear the vatican is promoting that "...Good Catholics Use Condoms." But with the arrival of the Trojan Vibrating Ring, they might want to reconsider their donations to the Bishop's Fund.